Catholic Resources on the Internet

xxxx Home ButtonBack ButtonEmail CommentDonate xxxx

Humour and Jokes

Things that make me laugh out loud

Little Girl on a Building Site

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's five-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workmen. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.  They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.  They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins.  The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her “work” on the building site and the fact she had a “pay packet”.  “You must have worked very hard to earn all this,” said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, “Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike.  We're building a big house.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the cashier, “and will you be working on the house again next week?”

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: “I hope so.  Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the f**king bricks.”

South African Hand Shake

Cruel but very funny

One can't take one's security on the Web too seriously

The following method is recommended to ensure no one can 
see your passwords or what you're typing:

Web Security

For a moderate level of risk, the Mark 2 below ensures no one can see your passwords, what you're typing, or which website you're visiting.....


For a high level of risk, the Mark 3 ensures ultimate security:


Memories from the days when America had Presidents worthy of the office.

Regan on abortion

I've probably put my life at risk, repeating this joke!

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as British Weather.  Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather' 
ie. Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite

Jeanne Robertson is one of the funniest women on the planet

If you enjoy this video, do a search on her name on YouTube and you will find several others equally funny

One should never drink and drive because there is a real danger that you might spill it.


Many have had a brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.  A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some shots.  Suspecting I was somewhat over the limit, I did something I seldom do … I took a bus home.  Sure enough, I passed a police  checkpoint, but as it was a bus, they waved it through.  I arrived home safely without incident, which was a very fortunate, as I have never driven a bus before and am not even sure where I got it!

Each year thousands of couples attend Mark Gungor's Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage® seminars

Don't you just love the Irish?

Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland / Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.   One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground together, which reads:


As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and shouted, "Leave people alone, you religious nutters!  We don't need your lectures."

As the car sped round the next bend, they hear screeching tyres, followed by a loud splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just jus say: 'Bridge Down Ahead?'"

I lived in France as a young man for a couple of years.  This video perfectly illustrates their slightly cruel yet utterly delightful sense of humour.

I'm sorry if anyone is offended by this, but it is the funniest poster I've ever seen.



Explained by: John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."  The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."  They don't have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."  The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."  Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."  They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right."  Two more escalation levels remain:"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!"  and "The barbie is cancelled."  So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray.  Welcome back to 430 BC".


Catholic Unattached Directory
Donate online
Lectures on Catholic Faith
Say Good-bye to Acne
Bunies as children's pets

Copyright: Cathud 2012 - Humour (humor) | jokes | comedy | lessons on how to be funny