A young family moved into a house
next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building
workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's five-year-old
daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity
going on next door and started talking with the workmen.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all
with hearts of gold, adopted the little
girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had tea
and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do
here and there to make her feel important. They
even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves,
which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the
smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope
- containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little
girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested
that they take the money to the bank the next day
to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier
was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling
her about her “work” on the building
site and the fact she had a “pay packet”. “You
must have worked very hard to earn all this,” said
the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, “Yes,
I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're
building a big house.”
“My goodness gracious,” said
the cashier, “and will you be working on the
house again next week?”
The child thought for a moment.
Then she said seriously: “I hope so. Provided
those wankers at Jewsons deliver the f**king bricks.”
South African Hand Shake
Cruel but very funny
One can't take one's security on the Web too
seriously
The following method is recommended to ensure
no one can
see your passwords or what you're typing:
For a moderate level of risk, the Mark 2 below
ensures no one can see your passwords, what
you're typing, or which website you're visiting.....
For a high level of risk, the Mark 3 ensures
ultimate security:
Memories from the days when America
had Presidents worthy of the office.
I've probably put my life at risk, repeating
this joke!
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal
Commission for Political Correctness announced
today that the climate in the UK should no longer
be referred to as British Weather. Rather
than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population,
it will now be referred to as:
'Muslim Weather'
ie. Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite
Jeanne Robertson is one of the
funniest women on the planet
If you enjoy this video, do a search on her name
on YouTube and you will find several others equally
funny
One should never drink and drive
because there is a real danger that you might
spill it.
Many have had a brushes with the authorities
on our way home from the odd social session
over the years. A couple of nights ago
I was out for a few drinks with some friends
and had a few too many beers and some shots. Suspecting
I was somewhat over the limit, I did something
I seldom do … I took a bus home. Sure
enough, I passed a police checkpoint, but as
it was a bus, they waved it through. I
arrived home safely without incident,
which was a very fortunate, as I have
never driven a bus before and am not even sure where
I got it!
Each year thousands of couples
attend Mark Gungor's Laugh Your Way to a Better
Marriage® seminars
Don't you just love the Irish?
Sean is the pastor of a Church of
England parish on the Northern Ireland / Southern
Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman
Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground
together, which reads:
TA END IS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans
out his window and shouted, "Leave
people alone, you religious nutters! We
don't need your lectures."
As the car sped round the next
bend, they hear screeching tyres, followed by
a loud splash.
Shaking his head, Father Patrick
says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees,
then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should
just jus say: 'Bridge Down Ahead?'"
I lived in France as a young man
for a couple of years. This video perfectly
illustrates their slightly cruel yet utterly delightful
sense of humour.
I'm sorry if
anyone is offended by this, but it is the funniest
poster I've ever seen.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE:
Explained by: John Cleese -
British writer, actor and tall person
The English are feeling the pinch
in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore
raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again
to "Irritated"
or even "A Bit Cross." The English
have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly
ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A
Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish
Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat
level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards."
They don't have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front
line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday
that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed
France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level
from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing."
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their
alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are
all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are
worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see
their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms
so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look
at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised
its security level from "No worries" to "She'll
be right."
Two more escalation levels remain:"Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!"
and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the
last final escalation level.
A final thought - Greece is collapsing,
the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is
in disarray.
Welcome back to 430 BC".
Copyright: Cathud 2012 - Humour
(humor) | jokes | comedy | lessons on how to be funny
