A young family moved into a house next door to
an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers
turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's five-year-old
daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity
going on next door and started talking with the workmen.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all
with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little
girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had tea
and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do
here and there to make her feel important. They
even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves,
which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the
smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope
- containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little
girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested
that they take the money to the bank the next day
to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier
was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling
her about her “work” on
the building site and the fact she had a “pay
packet”. “You must have worked very
hard to earn all this,” said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, “Yes, I worked
every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're
building a big house.”
“My goodness gracious,” said the cashier, “and
will you be working on the house again next week?”
The child thought for a moment.
Then she said seriously: “I
hope so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons
deliver the f**king bricks.”
South African Hand Shake
Cruel but very funny
One can't take
one's security on the Web too seriously
The following method is recommended to ensure no
one can
see your passwords or what you're typing:
For a moderate level of risk, the Mark 2 below ensures
no one can see your passwords, what you're typing,
or which website you're visiting.....
For a high level of risk, the Mark 3 ensures
ultimate security:
Memories from the days when America
had Presidents worthy of the office.
I've probably
put my life at risk, repeating this joke!
The
Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission
for Political Correctness announced today that the
climate in the UK should no longer be referred to
as British Weather. Rather than offend a sizeable
portion of the UK population, it will now be referred
to as:
'Muslim Weather'
ie.
Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite
Jeanne Robertson is one of the
funniest women on the planet
If you enjoy this video, do a search on her name
on YouTube and you will find several others equally
funny
One should never drink and drive
because there is a real danger that you might spill
it.
Many have
had a brushes with the authorities on our
way home from the odd social session over the years. A
couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with
some friends and had a few too many beers and some
shots. Suspecting I was somewhat over the limit,
I did something I seldom do … I
took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, but as
it was a bus, they waved it through. I arrived home
safely without incident, which was a very fortunate, as
I have never driven a bus before and am not even
sure where
I got it!
Each year thousands
of couples attend Mark Gungor's Laugh
Your Way to a Better Marriage® seminars
Don't you
just love the Irish?
Sean is the
pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern
Ireland / Southern Ireland border and Patrick
is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across
the road.
One day they are seen pounding a sign
into the ground together, which reads:
TA END
IS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!
As a car speeds past them, the
driver leans out his window and shouted, "Leave
people alone, you religious nutters! We
don't need your lectures."
As the car sped round the next
bend, they hear
screeching tyres, followed by a loud splash.
Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's
da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sean
agrees, then asks, "Do
ya tink maybe da sign should just jus say: 'Bridge
Down Ahead?'"
I lived in France as a young man
for a couple of years. This video perfectly illustrates
their slightly cruel yet utterly delightful sense
of humour.
I'm sorry if anyone
is offended by this, but it is the funniest poster
I've ever seen.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE:
Explained by: John Cleese - British
writer, actor and tall person
The English
are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events
in Syria and have therefore raised their security
level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again
to "Irritated"
or even "A Bit Cross." The English
have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly
ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A
Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588,
when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots
have raised their threat level from "Pissed
Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards."
They don't have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front
line
of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French
government announced yesterday
that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed
France 's
white flag factory,
effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy
has increased the alert level from "Shout
Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing."
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change
Sides."
The Germans
have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians,
on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual;
the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling
out of Brussels.
The Spanish
are all excited to see their new submarines ready
to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms
so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look
at the old Spanish navy.
Australia,
meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be right."
Two more escalation levels remain:"Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!"
and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the
last final
escalation level.
A final
thought -
Greece is collapsing,
the Iranians are getting aggressive,
and Rome is in disarray.
Welcome back to 430 BC".
Copyright: GEMNet 2012 - Humour (humor) | jokes | comedy |
lessons on how to be funny
